Friday, August 18, 2006

Bad Chicken

I have suffered from food poisoning. For those of you who are good sensible folk with sensitive stomachs who would prefer not to know the details of my intestinal sufferings I would recommend that you skip this entry.

Lasty the language is a bit colorful so please understand this and do not take offense if you read this. There I have fulfilled my duty.

Those of you still reading I give you two thumbs up, you’re my kinda people. As Dave Mathews says, “There are two kinds of people in this world, those who look after they wipe and those who don’t.” Welcome aboard.

The past 36 hrs have been quite an experience. I would describe them as the “The flaming hot ass magma porridge craps from the depths of hell”

It started out with me eating a piece of chicken at around 11pm after getting spanked playing dominoes. I ate a room temperature piece of home raised chicken. First of all I should have known to NEVER eat chicken that’s room temperature, it should be either cold from the frig or hot from the stove.

So around 6am I woke up covered in sweat. I was thirstier then hippo stranded in the Sahara. I took out a two liter bottle of partially frozen water and drank the entire thing until my stomach was stretched out like pregnant women.

I went back to sleep for about an hour when I awakened with the nauseated feeling that I was going to vomit. I made it to the bathroom and chucked so hard I actually defecated in my pants at the same time. That was special  I have never had that happen. So there I am with my head in the toilet, one hand on the toilet handle, the other holding a roll of TP, my shorts down to my ankles while a wet spot of diarrhea dripped down the back of my leg because I was still vomiting so hard I could not clean myself.

Well I cleaned myself up again feeling better and went to training, it was about 30 min into class when I knew I needed to get home before I had a blowout. I huffed home crossing the backstreets pushing goats out of my way and clenching my cheeks praying to get home before Mr Hanky made an early Christmas visit.

When I arrived home I was able to experience the exact thing again except the “The flaming hot ass magma porridge craps from the depths of hell” had already ravaged my sphincter before so now I held on to the toilet while the tears rolling down my face from the pain. It felt like I was one of the Space shuttles trying to reenter the atmosphere butt first.

Well I survived, I called the Peace Corps PCMO and she recommended that I take Electrolytes from the Peace Corps medical kit cutting back on the water a little bit.

I did this, now for some reason as I was drinking all this water to stay hydrated my body made an executive decision. It said why should we use the bladder to pass the water? Why not just send it straight out Leo’s ass? So for the remainder of the day I blew water out of my butt like a bubbling sulfur spring. It is probably one of the more strange sensations. Now by now I considered my Anus a lost cause, any movement including wiping was excruciating. Then pure Leo GENIUS hit upon me, I would construct a heat shield around my Anus to alleviate the burning pain of passing molten ass water. I applied triple antibiotic to my bunghole and lo and behold it worked. I would recommend this to everyone! Trust me you will do anything when it feels like your reentering the earths atmosphere ass first.

I think I will be recovered by tomorrow in time for the Micoud day camp were throwing for 50-60 youth.

Two positive things I will share is that in my delirium I would like to commend the Peace Corps Medical Officer “PCMO”. She came and visited me personally within two hours bringing me antibiotics in case I received Salmonella poisoning. The Antibiotics stopped the puking.

Secondly in my delirium I came across two incredible ideas to make money, one an invention another a money making idea. The money making idea has the best potential. Joe look out! I will be sending you my business idea for the concept. PS your going to love it!


Joe said...

"Why not just send it straight out Leo’s ass?"
This line made me laugh so hard I almost had diarhea spotting myself.

I anxiously await your idea to exploit the ring of fire.

Anonymous said...

Okay,knowing it's over and you're better I laughed so hard I almost ... okay I'm a respectable lady and I won't say it. Reminds of the first time we treated a friend of ours to a hot hot curry meal. The next morning he came flying out of his bathroom yelling at his wife "holy shit!" with a really surprised and pained look on his face.

A spontaneous reaction in the atmosphere said...

good to know you are being taken care of ...
Your posting reminded me of a German Doper who had come to Peshawar to sample the "world famous you know what" of our part of the world... needless to say we treated him with the best ;) AND had a good ol fashioned Pukhtoon Bar B Q with him ... the spices were too much for him so he had some ice cream ... later in the night .. when he went to the bathroom .. we heard him scream ... Oh God Please send Ice cream First!!

Big Country (Leo) said...

Thanks everyone! I am glad you all enjoyed it, I enjoyed your comments.

Bill said...

Leo! My God you can make me laugh. That has got to be the funniest blog I've read in a long time. Jim, Cass and Tina told me they were on their way down and gave me your blog site.

I knew you when you were a little nipper on your visits to Water Island and met again at the World Famous Beach Bar at T&B's I came with my son Neil.

Keep blogg'n this is great stuff.